Barry's Blog: A Little Humor to Start Your Week

Good morning.
"And the beat goes on........................."

Ok get ready to groan and moan. Puns - I know I know. I'm just trying to brighten up your Monday with a little humor..............You have to smile at one or two of them.

When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Energizer bunny was arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Here are my five favorite jokes from the internet in the past year:

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
And this mother in law joke: A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life." Ok, Ok, I know. But it is kind of funny.

And if you missed Jimmy Kimmel at last night's White House Press Correspondent's dinner, here are a couple of his one liners:

"If you told me when I was a kid I would be standing on a dais with President Barack Obama, I would have said, 'The president's name is Barack Obama?'"
"They say diplomacy is a matter of carrot and sticks, and since Michelle Obama got to the White House — so is dinner."
To Obama: "I know you won't be able to laugh at my jokes about the Secret Service. Please cover your ears, if that's physically possible."

Got this photo in the email. Supposedly a sign in an Atlanta WalMart. Not true according to Snopes. Actually a finalist in some design / humor contest. But don't you just wish you could point to it when some moron unloads a full cart in front of you -- and the checker says nothing. My own experience is that this would actually be of value to about 10% of the population. Or maybe not as they would probably be confused by that third hand...........If they want to count to fifteen they usually have to take off one shoe and sock first.